I keep telling myself that I'll feel better if I get back into a blogging routine, because with any social media you can put the best contruction on your reality and maybe life would be better if I could make it look that way. However it's been all I can do to do the bare minimums.
So here is a little honesty: life has been...um...difficult? It seems everywhere I turn there is a battle to face. At work. At home. At church. In relationships [with others and with myself]. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of trying to hold it all together. I feel like everything I am, everything I do and everything I have just isn't enough.
In the past I've written about contentment and living an unhindered life, however lately I'm feeling anything but. I feel lost, broken and without direction. I have felt this way in the past, right before my decision to move back home. I wonder if God isn't stirring up my life in order to prepare me for another big change.
I want a change so badly, but I'm at a loss for how. It's driving me crazy and I feel so unhappy. I am craving independance, freedom, friendship and a job I'm passionate about. I just don't know how to get there.
I'm clinging to these verses from Psalm 119 that my friend Janelle shared with me over a year ago [Waiting Expectantly for the Road to Somewhere] because they are still as true today as they were when I first read them.
"I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse! Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember? When I told my story, you responded; train me well in your deep wisdom. Help me understand these things inside and out so I can ponder your miracle-wonders. My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn; build me up again by your Word. Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with your clear revelation. I choose the true road to Somewhere, I post your road signs at every curve and corner. I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me; GOD, don't let me down! I'll run the course you lay out for me if you'll just show me how."