Sunday, August 19, 2012

a little honesty

I keep telling myself that I'll feel better if I get back into a blogging routine, because with any social media you can put the best contruction on your reality and maybe life would be better if I could make it look that way. However it's been all I can do to do the bare minimums.

So here is a little honesty: life has been...um...difficult? It seems everywhere I turn there is a battle to face. At work. At home. At church. In relationships [with others and with myself]. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of trying to hold it all together. I feel like everything I am, everything I do and everything I have just isn't enough.

In the past I've written about contentment and living an unhindered life, however lately I'm feeling anything but. I feel lost, broken and without direction. I have felt this way in the past, right before my decision to move back home. I wonder if God isn't stirring up my life in order to prepare me for another big change.

I want a change so badly, but I'm at a loss for how. It's driving me crazy and I feel so unhappy. I am craving independance, freedom, friendship and a job I'm passionate about. I just don't know how to get there.

I'm clinging to these verses from Psalm 119 that my friend Janelle shared with me over a year ago [Waiting Expectantly for the Road to Somewhere] because they are still as true today as they were when I first read them.

"I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse! Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember? When I told my story, you responded; train me well in your deep wisdom. Help me understand these things inside and out so I can ponder your miracle-wonders. My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn; build me up again by your Word. Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with your clear revelation. I choose the true road to Somewhere, I post your road signs at every curve and corner. I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me; GOD, don't let me down! I'll run the course you lay out for me if you'll just show me how."
Psalm 119:25-32


6 comments:

  1. I think that, while sometimes discouraging, it is okay to be lost, broken, and without direction sometimes. Those are usually the times which cause the most internal reflection and eventually point us on the right path. Let yourself just be! You are strong and He is guiding you in ways you cannot even see yet!

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    1. Thank you so much Brandy! Your comment was such a blessing to me. I think I needed permission to feel this way. I don't want to stay here, but I think you're right! Times like these allow us to reflect and reevaluate where we are and where we are going.

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  2. I agree with Brandy. As hard as it is sometimes you have to get through those lost and broken times to enjoy what is on the other side. If you need someone to talk to who has been through more than her fair share of those times I am here!

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    1. Thank you so much Kristin! Today I reminded myself that I am in this place on purpose so I better make the most of it and learn what I can. Your life is such a beautiful testimony of making it through dark valleys. I'd love to talk with you sometime. Love you!

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  3. I read your post yesterday and I didn't want to comment right away because I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say. I've been in similar places so many times. I don't know that there was ever anything anyone could say during those times that truly changed how I felt about what was going on. But I think it heals the soul so much just to be able to be honest and admit how you feel out loud without worry of judgement from other people. There are always going to be periods in life when things feel overwhelming, times when it seems like all the bad stuff is happening at once. Each thing individually you feel like you'd be able to handle on its own, but when combined all together you just feel exhausted and like you can't hold it all together for one more second. Is there some kind of rule that difficulties have to come in groups?

    I think you probably already know deep down that you'll get through the hard times and periods of restless discontent. You'll look back with a renewed perspective, thankful for where you've finally landed and see all the growth that happened on the journey getting there. But knowing that doesn't really ever change the pain or frustration of the present. It can provide some strength to push through, but at the end of the day all you can do is take it a day at a time, let yourself be discouraged if you need to be, and then cling to the knowledge that things will change. They always do.

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    1. Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply Noelle! I really appreciate your insight. I agree that sometimes it's healing to speak our pain, even if it doesn't fix it. Sometimes when you're IN IT, it is difficult to have perspective and see the bigger picture. Thank you for reminding me that I will get through this!

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