The other night at The Civil Wars show (which I will write about later) I was listening to Rayland Baxter sing a song he wrote called "The Woman For Me". It's a song about heartache, loneliness and wondering if he'll ever find the right woman. Replace 'Woman' with 'Man' and I could have written the song myself. I don't like to admit it, (it's kind of embarassing actually) but I think about the "right guy" more than I should; I'd be lying if I said otherwise.
I don't know if I'll ever understand love and sometimes I doubt if I'll ever find love. The mad, deep, crazy love. Maybe I don't understand because I've never had it. Maybe I'm just naive and jealous of those who have it. You married twenty year olds and single 30 year olds are probably laughing at me. I can try to imagine it, but I know my thoughts are so superficial. It almost scares me to think about the reality, what it really would be like. The raw emotions, the vulnerability, the risk; it makes me nervous just thinking about it.
I know human love isn't perfect and it's certainly not a fairytale (the divorce rate can tell us that much). I know that it's not all cuddles and kisses. I know it won't fix life's problems. I know that real love is about truth and compromise. I know that it's putting the other person first and working as a team. I know that it's an action and a constant choice.
I can honestly say that I am so grateful for my singleness. Really. I'm not just saying that. I mean it this time. I have needed this time to learn who I am and grow up. To make mistakes and learn lessons on my own. To learn about love and relationships while still guarding my heart. I'm grateful that I'm learning these things without having given my heart away to unworthy guys. My heart has had it's fair share of bumps and bruises, but I've avoided all the heartbreaks and baggage that comes with multiple failed relationships.
I am better having been on my own; I know that I'll never find myself in a guy and that I don't need a guy to live a wonderful life. (Those have to be two of the stupidest lies ever!) I think society places to much importance on having a significant other; like someone else can really make you complete. (Stupid Jerry Maguire.) It's like the world is saying you're nobody unless you have somebody, but that is far from the truth. This time is giving me the opportunity to focus on bettering myself, so when I do have a relationship I will be whole and healthy, complete on my own.
I may not have a career figured out or know what I'm supposed to do next. I'm often lost and without direction. I'm not a girlfriend, fiance, wife, mom, or business woman, but I know WHOSE I am. I am a child of God. And that really is enough. None of the other roles matter if I don't fully accept and live out this one. After all, God is not some supporting character in the story of my [love] life, with me having the starring role, quite the opposite in fact. How small and insignificant am I in comparison with God Almighty? God knows my heart and my desires and I know I am in His hands. I think I'll stay there awhile, stop over-thinking and leave the rest up to Him.