Monday, April 4, 2011

unrequited

I don’t often talk about guys on my blog, at least not any specific ones, more just in the general, I’d-like-one-someday, sort of way, because that seems like such a personal topic that you don’t need to know all the details about. Lately I have been plagued by one in particular and I am trying to process and move forward. I want to share this post, not to talk about this guy, because in the end it’s not about him, (I’d actually be rather embarrassed if he ever read this) it is about me and growing into a stronger person. I hope that by sharing you can learn from my experience and I wouldn’t say no to some words of encouragement either.


There is this guy in my life, who I will call Mr. Anonymous. Mr. A has been a part of my life for years, sometimes holding a more prominent spot, but always in the background. We have one of those friendships that ebbs and flows. I have always struggled with letting him go as more than a friend. I mean, I thought I had, but every time he comes around I am surprised at what a strong hold he has on my heart. I guess it would be more correct to say, that I am surprised at how much of my heart I have given away, unknowingly, over the years. In the past couple years Mr. A has once again resurfaced and in the back of my mind I thought that maybe, one day, things might just work out. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Guess what? Mr. A now has a girlfriend, who seems like a really sweet girl. What a burn. Mr. A made his choice and it was not me. Guard your heart ladies! Or you’ll wind up going crazy like me.


The difficult thing is I’m still his friend and I do want that to continue. Mr. A really is a good man. This would be simpler if I could just cut him out of my life, but I am not willing to lose this friendship. I’m learning though, through a very painful process, I might add, the importance of guarding your heart and surrendering to God. Mr. A is not mine and he never was; Mr. A belongs to God and he always has.


Here is a little nugget of wisdom for you ladies, if a guy is interested in you, you’ll know it. You shouldn’t have to convince a guy that you are worth his time. If he doesn’t see your beauty and character on his own, he is not the guy for you. Don’t waste your time or feelings on a guy who isn’t invested in you. From experience, let me tell you how agonizing this is to learn; please don’t follow my example ladies. But I am learning. I am grieving. I am healing. One of these days I will feel okay again. This is a process, a long process.


Mr. A often comes into my dreams, without invitation, I might add. It drives me crazy because if I cannot be with him in real life, I certainly don’t want him poking around in my dreams. Last week he was there again and we had a short discussion. During this talk Mr. A told me that I needed to wait, that I needed to be patient. When I woke up, at first I was mad, (as I usually am when he shows up in my dreams) but the more I thought about it (I think way too much by the way), the more I realized how much I needed to hear that, especially from him (even if it was just dream him). Now I certainly don’t think that I’m supposed to wait or be patient FOR him, but generally I need to wait patiently, for my future man, whoever he may be.

source

As much as my heart hurts now, I know that these lessons and this pain are making me stronger and I will be better for them.

2 comments:

  1. This is such a sweet post. I know the feeling, all too well. I've just now entered into a relationship, so I don't mean to sound "all knowing," or whatever, but let me tell you how much my heart has hurt. I guess everyone's has.
    Even now, with a boyfriend, I'm terrified!
    Just want you to know that you're not alone in what you're feeling.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh my sweet cousin. I have been in your exact shoes in my life and wasted way too many years waiting for someone who I was never meant to be with. I wish I could give you some great words of wisdom but unfortunately do not have them. I know your pain and if you ever want to talk I am here!

    ReplyDelete