Tuesday, August 11, 2009

beautiful stories take longer to tell

I feel like I have so many things to say, but I don't know how to properly organize my thoughts to make anything coherent. I just feel all scrambled up inside and indifferent; I hate it. I guess I'll just start throwing stuff out there and see where it leads. Too bad if it makes no sense.

I guess I will start with today. I was lucky enough to sleep in a little, but I have done basically nothing all day. It was one of those, stay in your pjs, don't shower, watch stupid tv, kind of days. To have the opportunity to relax after a late night and crazy girls weekend trip, was wonderful, but I feel so useless and like I have no purpose. I spent a couple hours watching NYC Prep on Bravo, watching these rich kids exploit their status while their parents look the other way. It makes me sick, but it also makes me want to do something important with the talents and gifts I have been given. Unfortunately, I just feel stuck.

Work is not what I thought it would be. All I have done since I "started" was a brief orientation and I only work-worked one day. I have not gone through the same training as others and am getting minimal hours this week. I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing and sort of on my own. I'm just frustrated and honestly would love to quit. I want time to figure out me and my future, but I am soooo beyond broke and in debt that it is scary. So I have to suck it up and keep this minimum wage, crap, retail job and live paycheck to paycheck. Isn't that what all 20-somethings have to do?

On a positive note, I have been doing a Bible study that my mom gave me called, "Making the Most of Your Resources: How Do I Manage My Time, Energy and Money?" The first section was about Who God Is: God is Creator, God is Provider, God is Multiplier. It blew my mind. These are things that I know, but the reminders I gleaned were remarkable.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20

God has never left me high and dry. NEVER. So why am I doubting Him now? No, things aren't ideal. At least, not MY ideal, but I am in God's hands, following His will for my life. I know I will be okay and I will be able to look back on this time in my life and see God's hand leading me through this valley. Yes, right now I feel like I am in a thick fog and things will never get better, but I do know that God is right beside me in all this. I do wish I could see some light at the end and be given some encouragement to get through this.

My mind keeps jumping all over the place, so if you will, please jump with me. In this uncertain time in my life I have realized what makes it so scary. I have always had something next. There was elementary school, middle school, high school. Then came college and after college there was more school at Concordia, which I knew would include an internship year. So now that is over, what is next? I have always had an idea of what to expect, now I am not so sure. I wasn't called to my internship site, so does that mean I am done with ministry? I hope not, but since I haven't been called anywhere, should I start looking for some other career? How long do I want to stay in SoCal, should I move somewhere else? Oh dear, so many questions, so much uncertainty!

Let's take another jump. Ready? What is with everyone in relationships and just relationships in general? I feel like I have asked this question a number of times on my blog, but really? The concept completely baffles me! I think boyfriends are mythical creatures. I have been told that if I really want a relationship, all I have to do is lower my standards, which is totally not happening! What is with relationships? How do you get one? Where are all these quality guys? Never mind, I know where I can find quality guys, but why haven't I really dated one or any for that matter? FYI, high school relationships just don't count in my book, let's just call them awkward friendships. So how is it that me and my girls, who are beautiful, intelligent, virtuous, and beyond funny, amazing women, aren't being pursued? Not that I think anyone of us is ready to tie the knot, but wouldn't it be fun to get the ball rolling?

I don't know. Maybe in my case, I'm just all confused and not in "the right place" for a relationship. Maybe because we are women who are not ready to settle for second best. Maybe because when we, well, I, finally date or start a relationship, it will be for serious, because, really, who wants the playing games crap? Maybe because I feel like a hot mess right now? Whatever the reason, it will blow my mind when it happens to me, because right now, it feels so far off.

Mr. Right, wherever you are. You better, damn-well be worth the wait. Just sayin. ;)

I still wonder how this love thing happens. I have gone to two weddings in the last five months and they about made my heart explode with joy for the couples and sadness that I haven't had the chance to experience the beautiful love they have. There is no doubt in my mind that God created them for each other and that He will be glorified and praised through their marriages. Marriage is something I cannot fathom right now, probably because even a relationship seems like a stretch. I am sure intrigued to see how things play out for me. I recently read in a book that, "Beautiful stories take longer to tell." I'm hoping that means I am in for quite a treat. :)

So, to conclude. For now I'm a hot mess who hates her job, doesn't know what to do with herself and highly doubts she will be in a relationship for years to come. Yep, I think that about covers it.

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