Tuesday, May 5, 2009

fearless?

In less than four weeks my internship will be over. OVER. I have been hearing from other interns about who is staying and who is leaving and what is next. I want to respond, but have refrained. I don't know what I would tell them. No, I'm not staying. No, I haven't received a call. No, I don't know where I will be working. No, I don't know what I will be doing. No, I don't know what is next. That would make for a great response.

Here is the thing, my file was sent out to four churches. I haven't heard from a single one and honestly I do not want to move to any of those places, at least not now. Churches here, where I am and want to stay for another year, are not calling people. So do I just defer my call (meaning my papers aren't sent out) for awhile? But what do I do in the mean time? Am I supposed to be in ministry? If I don't receive a call right away does it mean I'm not supposed to be in ministry? Do I add up all the school tuition and study as a short-lived learning experience and time of growth? Do I turn around and head in a different direction?

I am terrified of not knowing. These past months I have been in a holding pattern, waiting for a revelation of what is next. It is coming down to the wire and I am still at a loss. I am at the point where I am applying for retail positions in shops around town, because right now a job is a job is a job. I feel like I am going backwards.

I know that my life and future are in God's hands. I know. And I do trust that God has a plan for me, but right now I need a little hope and encouragement because remembering that is hard.

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