Tuesday, April 7, 2009

brand new day?

Is it okay to say that I'm in a bad mood right now?  Sometimes I feel like I am supposed to have it all together and heaven forbid if I mess up and don't act like it is.  Lately I've noticed that I have a front with certain people; I put on my good-Christian-girl-face and act like life is wonderful, work is perfect and my life is on track and in order.  I feel like it is a must.  Some people I CAN'T let my guard down with and honestly I don't want to.  I will open up to my family and close friends, but truthfully not everyone needs to know what is in my heart.  

I feel like this year has been one of me putting up my mask of seeming perfection and somewhere along I lost myself.  Not that life is all happiness and sunshine; it's not and I don't expect it to be.  We live in a troubled, sinful world and as Christians we live a life under the cross.  I'm just tired of the mask, of feeling like a failure.  My insides don't match my outsides.  

I don't know where I'm going with this.  Lately I've felt stuck; I'm at another crossroads and getting to the next place is slow-going; I'm quickly fading and losing heart.

After an evaluation with my amazing supervisor and long talk with my mom last week, I realized that I am coming to my seventh year since I began college.  Remember my post about the Sabbath year?  I realized these last six years have been laborious, sowing my academic fields and reaping the harvest.  Right now, I am wholeheartedly praying that this seventh year is my Sabbath year.  I want to rest in God.  These past six years I have been torn down to my foundation, I have been pruned.  This coming year more than anything I want, no, NEED, to be rebuilt and blossom.

I'm so tired and worn down.  I need a year to find me again and be refilled, renewed, refreshed.  I know God is faithful and has a plan for my future; I just wish He would fill me in on what is next.  Until He does, I will trust and obey.

"It's a brand new day, the sun is shining, it's a brand new day, for the first time in such a long, long time, I know, I'll be okay."

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