Is it okay to say that I'm in a bad mood right now? Sometimes I feel like I am supposed to have it all together and heaven forbid if I mess up and don't act like it is. Lately I've noticed that I have a front with certain people; I put on my good-Christian-girl-face and act like life is wonderful, work is perfect and my life is on track and in order. I feel like it is a must. Some people I CAN'T let my guard down with and honestly I don't want to. I will open up to my family and close friends, but truthfully not everyone needs to know what is in my heart.
I feel like this year has been one of me putting up my mask of seeming perfection and somewhere along I lost myself. Not that life is all happiness and sunshine; it's not and I don't expect it to be. We live in a troubled, sinful world and as Christians we live a life under the cross. I'm just tired of the mask, of feeling like a failure. My insides don't match my outsides.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Lately I've felt stuck; I'm at another crossroads and getting to the next place is slow-going; I'm quickly fading and losing heart.
After an evaluation with my amazing supervisor and long talk with my mom last week, I realized that I am coming to my seventh year since I began college. Remember my post about the Sabbath year? I realized these last six years have been laborious, sowing my academic fields and reaping the harvest. Right now, I am wholeheartedly praying that this seventh year is my Sabbath year. I want to rest in God. These past six years I have been torn down to my foundation, I have been pruned. This coming year more than anything I want, no, NEED, to be rebuilt and blossom.
I'm so tired and worn down. I need a year to find me again and be refilled, renewed, refreshed. I know God is faithful and has a plan for my future; I just wish He would fill me in on what is next. Until He does, I will trust and obey.
"It's a brand new day, the sun is shining, it's a brand new day, for the first time in such a long, long time, I know, I'll be okay."