Friday, January 25, 2008

boxes.

After some reflecting I have come to realize something about myself and my life. I have been feeling....I guess you could say incomplete or not content....I don't really know how to put it into words.

My life has been broken apart. I am living an extremely compartmentalized life.

I spent the first 18 years of my life in Idaho, the next 4 in Seattle and this past one in California. From Idaho to Seattle they was no overlap besides Ashlee. My college life was completely separate from my life in Idaho. I thought that was hard at the time, but learned to deal and had Ashlee there as my constant. I made it work and I enjoyed myself in the process.

Currently, I have splintered my life even more. Now my California/DCE life is also separate from my Seattle and Idaho lives. And in that it is broken down even more between my classes and field work. One good thing is that Eric is here. He helps to bridge the gap between Idaho and California. And soon Ashlee, Aimee and Megan will visit. I think that will help a lot too.

I still can't help, but feel like I have no consistency in my life. Depending on where my internship is, my life will fracture once again. It hurts when that happens.

I do feel lucky that I have had both Ashlee and Eric to transcend those different parts of my life. I can only hope that wherever my internship is I will have a person who I can trust to see me as me, accept me as I am and share both the good and bad with.

I just wonder if I will ever feel complete again because right now I feel so broken apart. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to, but it is a dull ache that is always in my heart. Maybe I won't feel whole again until I have settled down with a family or something, but for now I continue to be a wanderer, following where God leads.

1 comment:

  1. Boy do I understand that! It feels like you're a different person at each place, but you know you're the same person, it's just that each the different "lives" don't really mesh into each other because of the distance and having different sets of friends and whatnot. but I completely know what you're saying!

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