Thursday, December 18, 2008

this one's for the girls (those single ones)

So this post might not make people happy, but I can't make everyone happy and this is what is in my heart and I need to vent and it's my blog so deal.

I am so extremely frustrated with all the couple-y couples getting married and engaged and being all mushy gushy disgusting.  Forgive me friends if you are in a relationship and are upset by that, but you can't understand where I am at.  I seriously am happy for you, that you've found love and companionship.

EVERYONE and their mother is beginning a relationship, in a relationship, getting engaged, are engaged, planning their weddings, just got married, are on their honeymoon or are celebrating anniversaries.  I am NOT exaggerating.  When you are single, you notice these things.  

Don't get me wrong, being single definitely has it's perks, but being single/alone/whatever makes you wonder, well, makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me.  I know, I know, blah, blah, in time, blah blah, you'll find the perfect person, blah, blah, blah.....  I know all those "right" things to say to rationalize my single-ness and I can spout off all the benefits of being single, but I still long for that someone special to share and experience life with.

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster.  At times I couldn't be happier or more content with my life as a single woman and at other times I wonder what is so wrong with me that not one guy shows any interest in me.  Oh, the emotions we women experience!

I guess for the mean time, I will spout of that list of mine, the benefits of being single, to remind myself of how special each step of life is.  You are only young once, so be young while you are still young.  You have your whole life to be married.  I can do whatever I want and don't have to check in with anyone.  I don't have another person to think about.  I can move around, stay out late, travel and flirt with random guys (not that I take advantage of that last one).  I can party it up with my best girlfriends in Hollywood without worrying how to balance time with a guy.  I won't regret marrying young.

I have a feeling I am going to be single for awhile still.  Probably years actually.  And ultimately I am okay with that.  I just ask you friends in relationships, PLEASE, PLEASE, do not rub it in our single faces.  I know that my day will come and until then I will make the most of this single time.

Until I find that special man worth giving my heart to, my heart belongs to my best girlfriends.  Thank you for sticking by me and listening to me rant about my relationship frustrations, those eharmony commercials and all those facebook relationship status changes and wedding pictures.  I am glad I can share my life with you.  You girls mean the world to me.  This is for you.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

lead me to the cross

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I 
Tempted and tried
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now You're risen

To Your heart
Lead me to Your heart

a prayer for the journey

O Christ, do not give me tasks equal to my powers,
but give me powers equal to my tasks,
for I want to be stretched by things to great for me.
I want to grow through the greatness of my tasks,
but I shall need your help for the growing.

-E. Stanley Jones

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

-2 Corinthians 4:16-17

Saturday, November 15, 2008

hooray! into the fire.

What a day!
Totally beyond anything I could have imagined!

Jenny and I picked up Blizzard from the vet this morning.  Did I ever say that we got kittens?  Well, Blizzard was spayed and declawed yesterday.  The poor girl is not happy with us.

After we got her all settled and drugged up, Jenny, Ashlee and I drove to Crystal Cove State Park and took a nice 3 mile or so hike.  It was beautiful.  We were able to walk a nice distance along the beach for part of the way.  Once we finished our hike we drove a couple miles back to Corona Del Mar Beach to relax in the sun.  

This is November, right?  

We enjoyed soaking up the sun, climbing around the rocks and taking silly pictures.  Around 1:30 we decided to head back home, little did we know the fires were taking over.  We were literally heading straight towards them.  Needless to say, traffic was horrendous and we had to detour.  Luckily we relied on Jenny's GPS to help with the detour and our sense of humor to deal with the traffic.

We took 1 to 55 to 5 to 57 to 90 to 39 to 60 to 605 to 210 to home.  It took close to 6 hours to get home and I am not exaggerating.  SO RIDICULOUS!  

Although, I would rather it have taken that long than be one of the people who have lost their homes or have to evacuate.  I know a family who's home is less than 3 miles away from the fire.  

It was surreal driving through the crazy smoke and seeing the sky so many colors, with ash falling and the sun burning red.

This is a difficult time for California, so I ask for your prayers.  

Thursday, November 13, 2008

possibly, maybe, there's a chance

It's been awhile since I last blogged.  Here is a quick update.  

At the beginning of October my roomies and I met up with Alisha in LA and had dinner at Beso before seeing Wicked at the Pantages.  That evening was so much fun!  Plus, we sat next to Patricia Heaton at dinner.  Crazy, no?  Wicked was unbelievable!  My eyes filled with tears during the opening song because I was bursting with excitement and joy!

The last week of October was packed full of crazy LA fun!  On a Wednesday evening I met up with Jenny and Ashlee at Union Station.  From there we proceeded to check into a hotel downtown.  A hotel?  Yes.  And it was quite fabulous and inexpensive!  We ate dinner at Ketchup on Sunset.  SO GOOD!  We split fries and salads.  Delicious!  Next was The Roxy to once again see Barcelona perform.  It was so worth the late night.  Unfortunately the next morning I didn't make the early train back to Claremont, so I arrived to work late.

Then my parents came for a few days!  It was refreshing to see them!  I've missed them so much and haven't seen them since June.

While they were here Jenny, Ashlee and I celebrated Halloween LA style.  Jenny, the fat bumblebee, Ashlee, the incredible hulk and me, Hannah Montana drove down to participate in the craziness on Santa Monica Boulevard.  We saw SO many ridiculous people, a few naked girls, some Sarah Palin's and even a male hulk.  It was an experience to say the least.

Then.  Yes.  There is a then.  Then, the next evening my parents, roommates and I drove back to downtown LA, to the Wiltern, to see She & Him perform!  I had been looking forward to this for months!  It was such a great show, minus a few political comments.

It is fun to look back on those things I've done.  It's really unbelievable to be in a place with so many opportunities and activities to take part in.  I feel like a pretty lucky girl.

More later.  I was up until 4:30 this morning helping Ashlee with a video application and my brain is not processing so well.  :)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

99 ballons

A touching video about a special little boy.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

urban dictionary

Go to Urban and type in your answer to each question in the search box.


1.) What is your name?  Heather:

Beautiful, creative, smart, spontaneous, girl who would be a good catch to bring home to mother. Who is down right sublime.


2.) Your age?  23:

The greatest number of all time.

Reasons why: It is...

1. a prime number, as are 2 and 3.

2. Michael Jordan's number.

3. the NBA record for most consecutive points scored by a single player in a game, done by none other than Michael Jordan.

4. the number of chromosomes in a human sperm or egg.

5. the angle between the earth's magnetic and rotational axis.

6. the Tropic of Cancer at 23 degrees N Latitude.

7. the Tropic of Capricorn at 23 degrees S Latitude.

8. a .com and the page is very cryptic.

9. the most quoted Psalm in the bible ("The Lord is my shepherd..."

10. the number of people executed in "A Tale of Two Cities"

11. the smallest number of people for which there is at least a 50% chance that two will share the same birthday.

12. the standard TCP/IP port for Telnet.

13. one of the "Lost" numbers on the television show....also the sum of two of the other numbers (8 & 15)and the solution to 42-15-4=23, all of which are also Lost numbers.

14. the number of times Caesar was stabbed in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar.

15. has been prominently featured in the following: Serendipity, Futurama, Star Wars A New Hope, Monty Python The Life of Brian, Seinfeld, The Big Lebowski, The Matrix Reloaded, and Die Hard III among MANY MANY other movies.

16. the number of flavors Dr. Pepper claims to be a blend of.

17. the number of distinct orientations of Tetris pieces.

18. the sum of U2, the greatest band ever. U is the 21st letter of the alphabet.

19. the number of letters in the latin alphabet.

20. the number of the Illuminati.

21. the letter W in the english alphabet, a letter with 2 points down and 3 points up.

22. the smallest number of integer sided boxes that tile a box such that no two boxes share a common length.

23. the only US president to serve between nonconsecutive terms of another president (23rd president Benjamin Harrison serving between Grover Cleveland's terms).



3.) What should you be doing?   Sleeping:

a mystical kind of magic which sends u to an alternate plane of existence in which the magical gremlins give u pro plus


4.) Your favorite color:  Blue:

1. sad

2. a color, as in the sky or oceans.


5.) Your birthplace:  Boise, Idaho:

b-town is a land of plenty. it's got north-western heart and activty galore. the moutains are your idaho playground. most cars have ski, kayak or bike racks because people are all about being a part of their environment. boise is comfortable, yet always advancing into the big city it might one day be. boise people are welcome to each new cultural event or downtown festival that brings us a little closer to metropolitan-life. in driving outside the central area, one finds a peaceful country existence juxtaposed with newly developed subdivisions. it retains farming community charm while presenting the good and bad that comes with growth. boise is perfect-move here. you will be happy.


6.) Last person you spoke to:  Sister:

your sister is the girl that will always be there for you and may save you one day, wether you know it or not. your sister may or may not be related to you and could just be an amazing friend, but either way your sister is always slow to judge and quick to forgive. she will always love you, she might just hide it from you.


7.) The last thing you had to drink:  Coca-cola:

Superior to Pepsi.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

excerpt from No Wonder They Call Him The Savior

Who am I describing?  You may be surprised.


Those tiny drops of humanity.  Those round, wet balls of fluid that tumble from our eyes, creep down our cheeks, and splash on the floor of our hearts.  They were there that day.  They are always present at such times.  They should be, that's their job.  They are miniature messengers; on call twenty-four hours a day to substitute for crippled words.  They drip, drop, and pour from the corner of our souls, carrying with them the deepest emotions we possess.  They tumble down our faces with announcements that range from the most blissful joy to darkest despair.

The principle is simple; when words are most empty, tears are most apt.

Max Lucado

Monday, October 13, 2008


Life has been hard lately.  Not all bad, just hard.  I've come to the conclusion that it is time to make changes in my professional and personal life.  Here is a list I made that I just want to throw out there.

I need to DAILY be in Scripture.  NO EXCUSES.  I cannot feed others if I am not fed.

Do a Bible study.  Apply to life.

Weekly pray with my roommates.  NO EXCUSES there either.  Be open with my roommates.

BE DISCIPLINED.  Spiritually.  Physically.  Ministry.

Exercise.  Get in shape.

I need to make phone calls.  Get into homes.  Get to know the people better.

Connect with people throughout the week, not just Sundays.

Kids Club!  There are so many kids.  What can we do with them?

Contact the high school students.  Bug them until they talk to me.  Form relationships!

Do something with the college agers.  There are so many coming!  Let’s get together.

Teach people what a DCE is.  I’m not here to do it all alone.  I need help.  I need to equip.

Get people to work along side me.  I can’t do this alone.  Get boards on board.

Have a support group from church to pray for me.

Go to SMOG and DCE Etc meetings.  Continue learning. Read ministry related books.

Adjust what happens during office hours.  Create structure in my work.

Get out of my office.  Go where the people are.

Tithe.  Be a good steward.

Go on adventures.  Explore the area.  Hike.

Gain confidence.  Believe in myself.

Be a role model.  Model Jesus.  Be friendly.  Show love.  Be love.

Live a balanced life.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

feeling reflective

Through numerous events in this past year, well even before this year, I have been reminded of how fragile life is.  I have been separated from many of the people I love while I have been living in California.  Two important people in my life were diagnosed with cancer and have fought like hell.  One of my friends fell over 100 ft and is alive to tell about it.  Natural disasters have destroyed homes and lives.  And these are only the things that I can remember right now.

Often I worry that my emotions are too much.  That if I share them with the people I care about then I will be stereotyped as an overly emotional girl.  The problem with me is that I feel things so deeply.  Even when people I don’t know are experiencing hardship and tragedy my heart breaks for them.  Maybe that does make me an overly emotional girl.  Or maybe I am just empathetic.

I think it’s true that often the things we regret in life are the things we don’t do.  So I just want to say, my dear family, my dear friends, thank you for sharing your lives with me.  I love you all so much.  Those words seem so trivial when I write them, but they are filled with so much more than I can verbalize.  I read a girl’s blog today and about her friends she said, “These people have changed and have changed me, and it’s hard to recognize because I am woven in them and they are woven in me.”  The same is true of you.  You have helped to shape my life and I am better because of you.

Following is something I got from Jessica’s blog.  Things you want to say to people, but never could.  Don’t say their name and never mention it again. 

1. Thank you for your sacrifices for me.  You always are there for me with support and advice.  I would be utterly lost without your guidance and wisdom.

2. You are the best friend a girl could have.  I love your passion and the flair and style you bring to my life.  I am so proud of you and how hard you work.  Thanks for always being there for me.

3. I miss you more than you know.  You are doing such great things with your life.  How lucky to have you by my side during that time of growth in my life.

4. Damn girl.  You are so fun.  I am so blessed to have you in my life.  I love your quirkiness, sense of humor and love of shoes.

5. I am so proud of you and how you’ve grown and changed in these last few years.  I hope you keep it up because you have so much potential.  I pray your life is filled with more blessings than you can count.

6. I had so much fun with you.  You were one of my best friends and you meant so much to me.  You still do.  I am sad that it had to end, but I know that it as cliché as it is, it was for the best.  You have made me better.  I wish we still talked.

7. I care about you so much and think you deserve the absolute best in life.  You were there when no one else was.  I wish that you saw me differently.  I think you have some growing to do.  I know God has big things planned for your life.  I hope I am part of it.

8. Even though you are younger than me I look up to you.  I have always been a little jealous of your life, looks, attitude and outlook on life.  It seems like you have everything I want, but I couldn’t be happier for you.

Lord, Don't You Care?

It's amazing how God speaks to you if you just slow down to listen.

Excerpts from Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World

3 Deadly D's of Destruction
1. Distraction
2. Discouragement
3. Doubt

"Trust Me, My child, I have your ultimate good in mind."

What is it about us women that creates such a desperate need in us to always "know," to always "understand"?  We want an itinerary for our life, and when God doesn't immediately produce one, we set out to write our own.
"I need to know," we tell ourselves.
"No," God answers softly, "you need to trust."

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

i'm not that girl

hands touch, eyes meet
sudden silence, sudden heat
hearts leap in a giddy whirl
he could be that boy
but i'm not that girl

don't dream too far
don't lose sight of who you are
don't remember that rush of joy
he could be that boy
i'm not that girl

ev'ry so often we long to steal
to the land of what-might-have-been
but that doesn't soften the ache we feel
when reality sets back in

blithe smile, lithe limb
she who's winsome, she wins him
gold hair with a gentle curl
that's the girl he chose
and heaven knows
i'm not that girl

don't wish, don't start
wishing only wounds the heart
i wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
there's a girl i know
he loves her so
i'm not that girl

lyrics from wicked
the epitome of unrequited love

Monday, September 15, 2008


found in my journal from June

If my words were eloquent and deep
Would you listen?
But my words are jumbled and not as meaningful as I'd like
If my hair was longer and darker
Would you see?
But my hair is uniquely strawberry blonde and sometimes unmanageable
If I was exceedingly confident and outgoing
Would your heart quicken?
But sometimes I doubt myself and come across as shy
This is me
Unperfect and quirky
I won't change myself into someone
I think you may like more than me
I will be me
I hope that is enough
I hope that I am enough

Thursday, September 4, 2008

excerpt from How To Be Single: A Novel

I have to say this, and I really mean it from the bottom of my heart. You both are gorgeous women.  You are smart and funny and hot.  To think that you would end up with no love in your lives is absolutely bullcrap.  It's just not possible.  You two are goddesses.  I know you don't want to believe me, but it's true.  Beautiful, sexy goddesses.  And you shouldn't consider, even for a moment, that you won't have as much happiness in your life as you can possibly stand.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

throw your arms around my neck and hold me tightly

I have been in Claremont for about 3 months.  This means my internship is almost a quarter of the way over.  It is really unbelievable when I think about it.  I am really enjoying myself here.  I love the people, the area and the work.  I feel so blessed to have three great roommates who help keep me sane and give me a life outside of work.  I would be utterly lost and lonely without them.

When I think about where I am and what I am doing it gives me chills.  I would have never thought that I would be living in Southern California doing church ministry.  What is even more extraordinary is that I can clearly see how God led me here to this place.  I can see His hand in my life.  God is working in my life; I can feel myself changing.  It is frightening and exciting all at the same time.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

a year older

My birthday was Friday.  I am now a 23 year old.  I don't really feel older.  It didn't even really feel like a birthday, but it was still fun and crazy.

This has been quite the busy week, as I said in my last post.

Reflecting on my life up to this point, I cannot believe how far I have come.  I never would have imagined I would be living in Southern California, working at a church and experiencing such wonderful and crazy adventures with some of my closest friends.

I feel so blessed.

I often wonder what my future holds.  I can clearly see God's hand in my life up to this point and know that He will provide for me in whatever comes next.

I am so excited for what is to come.

I don't think I have ever been happier.

It feels like a dream.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

VBS craziness

First day of VBS, my conversation with little 5 year old Andrew.
Andrew hid his arm under the tablecloth.
Me:  Andrew, where is your arm?
Andrew:  Up in heaven with Jesus.
Me:  That is a great answer.  When is it coming back?
Andrew:  Right....NOW!  (he pulls his out from under the tablecloth)

Second day of VBS, during closing, the earthquake hit.  Figures.  I about forgot that I was the one in charge who had to calm everyone down and make sure everyone was okay.  It was quite the shock.

Third day of VBS, talking with the 4 and 5 year olds.
Juan Miguel:  Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. My mom and dad live at the geiko store.
Me:  Do you live with them?
Juan Miguel:  No.
Me:  Where do you live?
Juan Miguel:  In my own apartment with my brother.  I cook and clean.  Then I walk and drive to the geiko store.

Oh.  The afternoon after I posted my last blog, the girls and I decided to drive down to San Diego to see Barcelona play again.  You know, we had nothing better to do.  :)  They were surprised to see us.  We had another great night.  Brian gave me his party hat and Rhett gave Ashlee some rockin' sunglasses.  We met also Matt, from This World Fair.  He is crashing at our place for a couple days.  He cracks me up and has made things at our place interesting.  I think us girls are going to see him play at the Knitting Factory on Friday.  It should be fun.

This has really been the craziest week.  :)

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Hollywood Night

I am warning you, this is a LONG post, but I had a great time last night and didn't want to forget a single part of it.

Yesterday afternoon Jenny, Jessie and I took the train to Union Station where we met Ashlee waiting outside to drive us over to West Hollywood.  After a short drive we were cruising down Sunset, pointing out sketchy motels and exquisite shopping.  A parking spot was found near the Viper Room where we would later be spending our evening.  We arrived hours ahead of time because it made the most sense when thinking about travel time and traffic.  

After we parked we all exchanged our flats for heels and began search for food.  As we were walking by the Viper Room we ran into Chris, Brian and Rhett unloading their van for the show.  After hugs and introductions we left the guys to unload and we kept on in our search for a so-called “Sexy Mexican restaurant.”  Little did I know that wasn’t the actual name of it, rather it was called Isla and it was another block away.  We were some of the only customers in there for a while, but it was a fun atmosphere, decent food and crazy conversation.  There is where we decided our new catch phrase is “like a rocket on Monday.”  Don’t ask how we came up with it or the context in which we were talking because none of us can remember.  

After our meal and each of us checking out the cool bathroom we continued our walk down Sunset.  There were so many restaurant and cool shops, as well as so many guys in cars staring, one with his mouth open, or honking as we made our way down the street.  Maybe I should be a little more self confident, but mostly it felt awkward.  After more walking, eyeing beautiful clothes in store and sore feet we found a Peet’s Coffee back near the Viper Room.  We bought freddos, not frappucinos and talked and laughed about life.  Peet’s closed at 8:00 and kicked us out.  So with nothing really to do until the Viper Room doors opened at 8:30 we went and were the first ones in line.  Dorky? Yes, but so worth it.  

While we were sitting/standing by the back door a super sleek and hot black car parallel parked in front of us.  A very cute, red headed woman stepped out of the car.  We all noticed how adorable she was and then noticed how much she looked like Amy Adams…no, that she was Amy Adams.  For those of you who don’t know, she is the woman who played Giselle in Enchanted and Katy on the Office and Susan in Talladega Nights.  She looks around at the parking meters and searches for coins while the four of us debate whether we should talk to her or ask her for a picture or do nothing at all.  We decide that since she is obviously trying to have a normal night on the town maybe a picture would not be the best, but we really couldn’t not say something.  So as she was walking away all I could say was, “Hi.”  Yes, lame I know, but she said, “Hi,” back to us all.  After she walked around the corner I freaked out a bit (hahaha), sent texts to a few people and then Ashlee took a picture of us in front of her car.  

Another fifteen minutes or so later we were let into the Viper Room.  It was kind of awkward being the first ones there, but the waitress came soon and brought us drinks while we waiting another thirty minutes for the first band to play.  The first band was good; we spent a good amount of the time they were on laughing at the girls that were trying to dance to the music.  I know I shouldn’t make fun because I probably just as stupid once Barcelona came on.

Barcelona’s set was next and we were all so excited.  It was so good to see familiar faces and the thought of listening to them play put a smile on my face that did not come off the rest of the night.  Barcelona was amazing, I would even go as far to say that they kicked ass (excuse my language).  I don’t even know how to put in words how great it was to hear them play or what a wonderful job they did.  By then the place was packed, everyone was moving to the music and those who knew the words were singing along.  From Lesser ThingFirst Floor People to Colors to It’s About Time to One, I was in heaven the whole time they were on.  Well, and after too.  

We hung around inside for about ten minutes after they finished playing, giving them time to get all their stuff outside.  Then we make our way out into the ‘refreshing’ LA air.  We hang back for a while waiting for the masses to disperse from the rock stars; we finally make our way over to the guys for sweaty hugs and hellos.  Then we find a storefront ledge to perch on and rest our feet while the guys load up.  

Little did we know we would shortly be making a new friend. Hahaha.  To make a longer story short, we met a guy named Brian randomly who totally cracked us up.  He told funny stories about his great grandfather who was in a circus, his ballerina ex-friend and even told us that his jacket was a woman’s jacket.  Ashlee then proceeded to tell him about the boob darts of his jacket.  We were all cracking up.  Then, to make the evening even crazier, we ran into two other SPU alumni.  Ashlee exchanged numbers with Clark and I talked with Kate who actually grew up in Idaho too.  

Next it was small talk with Rhett, who shared with us their adventure of being banned from Canada, then with Chris, who told us about his crazy schedule.  From there the girls went back to the Viper Room with Rhett and I went to the Cigar shop we were outside of with Chris.  He told me crazy stories of their adventures touring.  Wow.  

Then the some of the girls dragged me back in for my drink and dancing with the guys.  So funny.  The last band was playing and we were sending out our vibe, dancing like there was no tomorrow.  After the band finished we made our way to the center of the room to cure our dancing fever.  Chris had disappeared somewhere, but Ashlee, Jenny, Jessie, Rhett, Brian and I were having blast.  

By this time it was probably after one in the morning.  As much as we didn’t want to go I knew I would be a tired girl in the morning.  I whispered/yelled to Brian and Rhett that we would love to get a picture with them outside and say our goodbyes because we had to get going.  Back outside we found some random person to take our picture.  Unfortunately, some random girl that knew the guys decided she wanted to be in our picture too.  Weird, right?  

After some long hugs and goodbyes, Jessie, Ashlee, Jenny and I took off down the street, still dancing and sending out our vibe.  As we drove out of Hollywood, with the windows down and the music blaring, we were all content with our wonderful Hollywood adventure.  Despite the fact we did not get home until around 2:30 a.m. it was still, like a rocket on Monday.  J

Friday, July 18, 2008

excerpts from Paris Hangover

I realize maybe I'm just happy I have been a part of his life, able to be inspired and forever connected to this fascinating creature. It's true, I miss being in awe of the man I'm with, amazed at his constant thirst for knowledge, excellence, creativity. But I think I can accept that happens unbelievably rarely in life and I am forever changed for knowing him. And that might be enough.

A quote from Marcel Proust: "We are not provided with wisdom, we must discover it for ourselves, after a journey through the wilderness, which no one can take for us, an effort which no one can spare us, for our wisdom is the point of view from which we come at last to regard the world."

Everything is slowed down here. This relaxed, lacksadaisical approach to life just takes everything down a notch on the stress meter. It's not so important what you do, especially what you do for a living. It's just important that you be. Be in the moment, be who you are, be consistent in your rituals and habits instead of always chasing the trendy and new.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

nicest thing

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

All I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen;
I wish that we could see if we could be something

Kate Nash

Monday, July 7, 2008


maybe it's only those who've made such chaos of their lives who can understand the heights and depths of God's mercy

excerpt from Other People's Love Letters

Something happened in the last 8 months. You became my closest friend, but I also developed strong feelings for you. Now you’re gone, yet I still see you and think of you everywhere. I have to readjust to life without someone on whom I had relied pretty strongly for emotional support. It’s shaping up to be quite a feat, seeing as your presence had helped me adjust to life here in the first place. Whenever something was bothering me throughout the course of the day, I was always satisfied with knowing that I’d go home and see you and I’d feel better. That notion always helped me get through the day. This is probably coming as a shock to you, but just bear with me.

I had really started to get past this once you left in July. The first week was definitely a struggle. But then I went to Boston and was doing fun things, so my mind started to be occupied. And by the time you came back from S. America and I spoke with you on the phone, I felt like I had gotten over you and you were just my very good friend, nothing more. And then I saw you again. And everything that was there came rushing back.

As Sara said last night, not only is it difficult for me to handle change, I especially have difficulty going from “more to less”: I had this very-close-to-ideal living situation, and now I suddenly don’t. In addition to that, it’s sometimes hard for me to see the forest for the trees—I have much to focus on right now, and I now have the perfect opportunity to care for and tend to myself and my responsibilities and the things I want to do since I no longer have someone around whose well-being I sometimes considered before my own. But all I can see right now is the absence of you.

I also have trouble with the notion that I need to get over this. That just kills me. I don’t understand why I should have to get over you. I keep telling myself that I have to and forcing myself to make it happen, but that just doesn’t seem fair to me. I’ve spent the past few years of “growing up” realizing that I have to be much more guarded when it comes to men. I too easily allow myself to become emotionally open to men and start to care about them, some more than they have deserve. So I’ve really come to be much more selective. And here I found someone who is completely deserving of everything I have to offer, and we still can’t be together. And I know that. Definitely not now, probably not in the future either. But how is that right? What learning am I to take away from this? Yes, I have a wonderful friend whom I look up to and from whom I have already learned so much. But I still don’t know how to guard myself against this happening in the future. How can I start to emotionally guard myself from someone who seems so perfect for me?

I really do understand that nothing can be done with this on your part, and I don’t really expect you to make it better or to respond in any certain way. It’s probably almost better if you didn’t. I just had to get it out. Please know that I certainly don’t feel in any way hurt by you—you clearly have never hurt me. And I suspect that after reading this, you’re probably inclined to want to fix it or make it better, which is a perfect example of what it is about you that I love so much. But I know it can’t be fixed. It’s just something with which I have to deal.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

she & him

It has been one month since I began my internship.  It is really unbelievable.  To a point I still feel like I do not know what I am doing, but I know that it is going to take time to figure out what my role here looks like.  I can see how I could easily slide by this year and really do/accomplish nothing, but I do not want that to happen.  I am really in a fantastic place; a place of opportunity.  I could really try anything at all.  The church is open to growth and trying new things.  Right now I am still trying to get to know everyone's names and faces, but I have great ideas for fellowship events to build community within the church and invite those in the surrounding communities into the church.  Although my focus at this point is Vacation Bible School; I am the director.  I will get to wear a silly, bright orange shirt, a huge vest and a green bandana.  :)

Something that I am having difficulty with is transitioning from an atmosphere of strict routine, with classes, events and my other responsibilities scheduled for me, to an atmosphere where I am supposed to set my own hours and work completely on my own terms.  I am learning what discipline, motivation and accountability truly are.  I have appreciated the understanding from Pastor and the congregation, that it is taking me time to work all those things out.  They really have let me ease into my position here.  I am so grateful for that.

During this amazingly big transition of my life I have experienced "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding."  Really.  True, beautiful, unexplainable peace.  I am pushing worry, with full force, out of my life.  There are so many unknowns in my life that have been driving me crazy, but I began to reflect on my life up to this point.  I can clearly see God's work in my life, His provisions, blessings and abundant love.  Wow.  Really, what do I have to worry about?  I have no doubt that God will work those unknowns out and bless me more than I can imagine.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how WIDE and LONG and HIGH and DEEP is the love of Christ, and to know this LOVE THAT SURPASSES KNOWLEDGE- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Now to him who is able to do IMMEASURABLY MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."  Ephesians 3:17b-21

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5-6

Monday, June 23, 2008


The weight of the world is love.
Under the burden of solitude,
under the burden of dissatisfaction
the weight
the weight we carry is love.
Who can deny?
In dreams it touches the body,
in thought constructs a miracle,
in imagination anguishes till born in human-
looks out of the heart
burning with purity-
for the burden of life is love,
but we carry the weight wearily,
and so much rest
in the arms of love at last,
much rest in the arms of love.
No rest without love,
no sleep without dreams of love-
be mad or chill
obsessed with angels or machines,
the final wish is love
-cannot be bitter,
cannot deny,
cannot withhold if denied:
the weight is too heavy
-must give for no return
as thought is given in solitude
in all the excellence of its excess.
The warm bodies shine together in the darkness,
the hand moves to the center of the flesh,
the skin trembles in happiness
and the soul comes joyful to the eye-
yes, yes,
that's what I wanted,
I always wanted,
I always wanted,
to return
to the body where I was born.

-Allen Ginsberg, San Jose, 1954

Monday, May 19, 2008

Bound and Rebound

Today I was hit with the realization of the changes that are taking place in my life. That may sound like a dumb statement. Yes, I have been thoroughly aware that big changes are/will be occurring in my life, but today made it real.

As I was sitting in church this morning I began to think about the next time I would be back and it struck me that I don't know when I will be home again, to go to church, to see my family and friends.

I don't know when I will be back again. I hate that statement.

I about wanted to break down in tears as I talked with people after the service. Everyone is so excited for me; they said they are so proud of me, that I will do a great job and that my church will love me. Pastor even prayed for me during the service. I don't want to leave those people....not that I have been around a lot this year, but I don't know when I will see most of them again. I was saying goodbye to Katie and had to tell her that I might not see her until next year, same with Joan and Christi.

I know God has placed me at St. Luke Lutheran in Claremont because it is where I am supposed to be. I know God is going to be with me every step of the way. I know that I will not be alone. I know all that. But I am still scared. I don't want to let this go. To let home go. To let people and relationships go.

I guess that is just the way life goes though. Change after change. I don't know how I feel about this growing up thing, but I am thankful that it is God's hand guiding me.

Friday, May 9, 2008

it's like second drink!

Done. I am done. Wow.
I am not sure what to feel.
I just rushed through, focusing on the next thing I needed to accomplish and now I am done.

I checked out of my room around nine this morning. I was sad to say goodbye to my roomies, we were a great trio. (Despite me not going out in public with them...haha.) Leaving school and driving up to Rancho, I felt like I should have felt deeper sadness or joy or something....anything, but I have not allowed myself time to process or feel what is going on.

This was a big year for me. A time for me to step out into the world, completely on my own with a complete reliance on God to provide for me. This year has been difficult....although, I think difficult is an understatement. I do not think I let on to anyone how hard this year really has been for me; it has been incredibly lonely at times, but God has blessed me abundantly this year. I have many wonderful memories from this year and I have met dozens of people who have blessed and encouraged me more than they will ever know.

Not only has it been hard to process finishing school, but now I need to process becoming an intern!
"With great power, comes great responsibility."
I am intimidated.

Okay. It's been a long day of travel. I need to turn off my brain and get some rest.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

hugs are the best

So Jenny, Jessie, Ashlee and I have been approved for an apartment in Claremont. It is a super cute, four bedroom, two bathroom, townhouse style place, with a pool on site. Although, it is possible that we will get the parsonage, but I am waiting to hear from my Pastor.

I have two finals left tomorrow afternoon, then will check out first thing Friday morning and fly back to Idaho. I spent most of today packing. Hopefully I will get everything else packed and stored tomorrow morning.

This is it. I don't think it has hit me yet that this is the end of the year. I have been so busy, focused on what is in front of me and just surviving that I have not processed what is happening. I am finishing what I have been diligently working towards all year. This year has flown by and here I am facing internship in less than a month. Not only that, but I am leaving so many great people. If I think too much about it all I might breakdown in tears. So much is happening and so many changes are taking place. It is so much to take in.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

love come down

It has been awhile. Wow. So much is changing and going on it truly is unbelievable. Today was the last day of classes. Finals begin tomorrow. Jenny and Jessie are coming down tonight and we are going to look (and............
::phone call::

I was going to finish that sentence by saying....and hopefully find an apartment this weekend.....
But I was interrupted with a phone call from my Pastor. I emailed him last night about my office. He called to say that they were going to paint it whatever color I would like (light blue) and that I would have a laptop with wireless and a phone. Then I can decorate it however I would like! :)

He also called to say that the Pastor who is living in the parsonage received a call....they don't know if he is going to take it, but if he does the parsonage would be MINE! RENT FREE!!! Pastor Seals says that if he does take it they don't know when he would be moving, but once he was out it would be mine.


Then I called my mom and the first thing she said to me, even before a hello, was "so do you have an apartment?" Haha. Plus, I had a Bible study today about placing your trust completely in God. Oh God, you are a funny one.

There is obviously so much up in the air and I need to be in prayer, but I have faith that God will work out all the details.
Sorry, another phone call. Another good phone call. :)

Now I am really distracted.
Actually I think I am too distracted to write anything more worth reading. Sorry this is incoherent and all over....I guess that just mirrors how I am feeling.

Eight days until home.
One month until I am an intern...with a blue office.

Saturday, April 12, 2008


My church in beautiful Claremont, California!

Friday, April 11, 2008

i know!

I will be serving my DCE internship at St. Luke Lutheran Church in Claremont, California. I did some google-mapping and I have learned that Claremont is about 35 miles from Los Angeles, 45 miles from Irvine and about 10 miles from the Ontario Airport. I am really excited about my placement!

From the packet of information I was given I know that Claremont is a university town and my church has about 150 members. My job description includes teaching the first year of confirmation, organizing and staffing VBS, developing a youth ministry, giving children's sermons twice a month and much more.

As nervous as I am to have all those responsibilities I am so excited and I have such peace that this is truly where God wants me to be.

I think my dad and I might drive up that way tomorrow and just check out the area.

Finally I can breathe a great sigh of relief, because I know where I will be this next year!

The ceremony was wonderful and I was so blessed to have not only my dad there, but also Eric, Michelle, her husband, Shelli, sweet Megan, my roomies and so many friends from campus there to share it with!

I would really love to write more about the ceremony and where other interns are placed (Reno, Dallas), but today has been soooo long and I am about to fall out of my chair in exhaustion.

So, goodnight.

DCE Intern
St. Luke Lutheran
Claremont, California

Tuesday, April 8, 2008


Excuse me while I freak out.


They seem like such short and long days at the same time.

From one point I would rather like to go on not knowing because if I don't know then it can't happen. I don't have to be ready to leave school and go on my own, into ministry with everything I have learned up to now to support me.

From another point I cannot wait to know because that means I can start making plans for the next steps of my life. I can officially say I know where I will be and what I will be doing for the next year of my life.

The scariest part is that Friday is coming whether I want it to or not, whether I am ready for it or not. It is coming. Friday is going to be one of those life changing days, a pivotal moment in my life. I know I will look back on this Friday and see how it marked my life's course. I am terrified because my life will change and I have no say. I said my piece in my interview and to the director of my program, but my future is in the hands of other people and I am not in control. The only thing I can do is pray, which I am finding difficult right now. Friday is it. Friday is what I have been working so hard for.

Friday. Three days.

I have not been and probably won't be sleeping well the rest of the week.

Needless to say, I am freaking out.

And what will I wear?! :)

Did I say that my dad is coming this weekend? It will be nice to have him here.

Okay, homework time.

: : : insert long sigh here : : :

P.S. I'll try to post Friday evening after I find out. Maybe Saturday at the latest.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

stir it up in our hearts

This song has been quite significant to me these past couple months. God keeps putting it in my path at all the perfect moments, right when I need to hear it the most. I thought I would share.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Saturday, March 15, 2008

dr. phil and friends

Let me preface this story by saying that this has been quite an unusual week for me.

Tuesday I saw a facebook invite to go to the Dr. Phil show Thursday. He had invited students from Concordia to come and hear Bishop T.D. Jakes speak. I thought it would be fun, but quickly dismissed the idea because of classes.

Wednesday I missed by observation hours and a meeting in Brea because I was not feeling great. If I had gone to Brea I would not have been sitting in front of the cafeteria when two girls set up a table with a huge sign that said DR. PHIL. I called my mom to ask her what she thought I should do. Go to class and miss being in the audience at Dr. Phil or be in the audience at Dr. Phil and miss class? After our talk it was clear to me that going to Dr. Phil is a rare opportunity that I might never have again.

I went over to the table and talked to the girls. They said that there were still plenty of openings to go, so I signed my name on the sheet. I was so excited to go that I even went to Target to by a new skirt that looked like "business attire."

Thursday morning my alarm went off at 6:30 a.m., I growned for a second before remembering what occasion I was waking up so early for. I quickly got ready in my business attire, complete with pearls and kitten heels and made my way over to Grimm Hall to meet the bus that would take me to see Dr. Phil. While waiting for the bus to arrive I talked with some of the other people going. One of the girls and I were debating if we would make it back for our afternoon class to take a quiz. (We didn't.)

Around 8:15 a.m. our bus finally arrived. To be honest we really did not need a bus, probably just a van because only 15 people went. Come to find out, the people who arranged the bus for our school was not too happy because they thought 40 students were coming and they spent $600 on the bus. Oops.

Considering. the time we left, heading straight for Hollywood, traffic really was not too bad. On the way to Paramount Studio we drove by a huge Hollywood cemetary...I was told that is were many stars are buried. We arrived at the studio are were told that we were early. We were also told to leave all cameras and phones on the bus. After going through security we learned that yes, we were early for the taping of the second show, not for the first show we came to see. Another oops. We sat outside, in a long row and waited for probably 2 hours, maybe a little less. Luckily, they put out a few snacks. This was quite a blessing because little did we know that would be our lunch.

Finally, someone came and told us that Dr. Phil had to tape a second show and was running late so it would be 30 more minutes. (Once inside he said the show was about something news breaking and it needed to be to the satellite by one in the afternoon. I figured out today that it is about the Eliot Spitzer Sex Scandal. That episode will air Monday.) As we stood up to FINALLY walk inside, I glanced ahead and had to do a double take. Robin McGraw (for those of you who don't know, this is Dr. Phil's wife), was about six feet in front of me shaking people's hands! She was going down the line apologizing for the late start and thanking us for our patience. Needless to say, I got to shake her hand! She was the cutest little thing and so friendly. Oh, and her shoes were to die for! It was hilarious to see the girls behind me from school after they shook her hand. They are BIG fans. BIG!

After that it was not long before we were in the door and being seated. (Side note: we were some of the LAST people to be seated.) As we walk in, it was freezing and I was noticing that there were not many seats together. The guys directing us said that he need four of us to come with him so he counted me and three others out and told us to follow him. I was quite surprised as he led me and another girl to THE FRONT ROW! The FRONT row!!!! He told us that he would be moving us around during the breaks. I was not going to complain about having to move...we were sitting in the FRONT row of the Dr. Phil show (even if it was only temporary)!

Once we were finally seated I began to wonder what the show would actually be about since we missed the show with Bishop T.D. Jakes. Before my question would be answered, two men came out on stage to 1. get us pumped up and give away free books and 2. to remind us that we would be filmed and not to pick our noses. Before long, the music started, the crowd cheered and Dr. Phil came out on stage. If I wanted to I could have reached out and touched him because I was in the FRONT! (Sorry, I am not going to get over that! It was sooo cool!) A couple things I noticed about him was that his teeth are so white and perfect that they looked like plastic and also his accent is more strong and pronounced than I remembered it being when watching him on tv.

Then my question about the topic of the show is answered. Dr. Phil said that we would be making tv history because he was having 5 doctors on the show to talk about some health topics and talk to some guests on the show. When the doctors came out I noticed a very good looking man (later I will find out that he is Dr. Travis Stork, who appeared on The Bachelor and all the girls in my Concordia group are crazy about him). At one of the breaks I was quite tempted to ask him for his phone number...and I could have too because I was in the FRONT!

There were about three different stories related to health and medical issues. The first woman was a 21 year old mother of infant twins and a 3 year old who was losing her memory. The doctors talked to her about mom-nesia and said they would help diagnose her.

Next was probably my favorite segment about a little girl, Teeba, who was badly burned in a car bomb in Iraq. A couple from America decided to help her get the medical treatment she needed. She is just the cutest and sweetest little girl! Dr. Phil read her a note that Barbie wrote her saying that she wanted to give Teeba some gifts. Some people rolled out 2 wagons full of Barbie and American Girl toys, and a Barbie Jeep. It was neat being so close to look her in the eye and smile at her. She was precious.

The last segment was about a 21 year old girl who had two different size breasts and the insurance company would not cover a breast augmentation. One of the doctors on the show was a plastic surgeon and said that he would do the surgery for her. When the show is actually aired they will have the final results of her surgery because they are going to film the process.

It was interesting to watch how they changed the set and moved so many things during the "commercial" breaks. The girl I was sitting next to and I were trying so hard not to fidget during the filming and not look over at the cameras that were staring you in the face. During the breaks we would adjust and fidget and then try to sit super still so the camera wouldn't catch us moving all over.

So, remember how I said that the guy who seated us said he would move us during the breaks? He did not move us until right before the LAST segment. So I was able to sit in FRONT for almost the entire show! I have to say, that it was must warmer up front than in back. :)

Afterwards, we slowly left the set and all received little gift bags for our patience with candy and a pen and a free book. I traded mine by Dr. Phil for one by Robin McGraw with one of the girls on the bus.

Unfortunately, because we were so late in seeing the show, we did not arrive back on campus until 3:30 p.m. Just in time for me to be late to my last class of the day. I was not entirely disappointed.

It was a wonderful and unexpected day. I am so glad I was able to experience this. Even though it did not all play out how it was supposed to I am happy it happened how it did.

P.S. I am not sure when exactly the show will be aired. I did hear someone say August, but we really don't know. However, they did say they were using this show as a jumping off for a new show (produced by Dr. Phil's son, Jay) called The Doctors, starring all the doctors who were on the show. I will be keeping my eye on the Dr. Phil website and let everyone know when to turn on the tv and watch for me. :)

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Life Lessons

As I was driving to Brea in the not fun traffic yesterday, listening to my drive time mix, John Mayer's song Stop This Train came on and it got me thinking.

No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate"

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

I feel like lately life has been moving faster than I can keep up with and I am barely hanging on. So much has happened this past year: graduation, traveling, moving to a new city and school, making new friends, painful personal/spiritual/emotional growth, sickness, heartache and reconnecting with old friends. All those things were beyond anything I could have imagined happening and I can see how God has used all those things to work in my life.

The bottom line is that this train of life is going to continue to go at full speed and there is nothing I can do to stop it or begin again. As much as I would like to un-do or re-do different parts of my life-had I not experienced them, lessons would not have been learned and I would not be where I am today. This is life, whether I like it or not it is here and now. So often I have the mind set that my life will begin when (fill in the blank) happens, but here I am close to 23 years old. This is it and I want to appreciate each delicate moment of it before it is gone.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

take me in your arms, sway me like the sea

I know it's been awhile.
To put it lightly, things have been crazy.
Since I got back from break I feel like I have been going at super speed. I don't think things are going to slow down until April. I have literally put hundreds of miles on my car driving to and from Brea for youth group, church, meetings, and school observations. I hate all the time I waste driving back and forth. I have a theory that driving is a key factor in why my neck, shoulders and back are rock hard and aching all the time.

Ashlee, Megan and Aimee came and visited me the beginning of the month. It was so wonderful to see them and the time went by so fast. Ash went to all my Thursday classes with me and got to meet some of my Concordia friends. Thursday evening Aimee and Megan arrived, so all the girls went to my Friday class with me.

After class I took them up by Good Shepherds Chapel so they could see one of my favorite spots on campus. Then we had to go to In-&-Out for lunch. Afterwards we went to the beach, Little Corona Del Mar. I think the sunshine knew the girls were coming because it was out the whole time they were here. It was spectacular weather! From there we went to South Coast Plaza for some shopping. We spent a good hour in SoCal traffic to get to Downtown Disney for dinner at ESPN Zone, which was worth the wait. After dinner we spent time walking through all the shops and buying some gifts. From there we picked up some drinks from Ralphs and headed back to my room to play Guitar Hero III.

We slept in a bit Saturday, I grabbed us breakfast burritos from the cafeteria and then we were off to Newport. I think Newport beach is my new favorite. (Fun fact: It is the same beach where most of the beach scenes from Arrested Development was shot.) It was so easy to find, we got a good parking spot and it was not overcrowded. We met up with Eric and some of his friends for awhile. Before we knew it my phone alarm was going off to tell us that our parking meter was almost out of time. On our way to the parking lot I saw an ice cream stand, so the four of us pooled what little cash we had and bought Balboa bars. Balboa bars are a must, but very messy. Fortunately, what you drop on the ground is quickly gobbled up by seagulls. From Newport we went to Irvine Spectrum and walked through shops. We ate dinner at Chipotle then drove quickly over to the dollar theater and watched P.S. I Love You. I laughed. I cried. :) Then it was back to my place for popcorn and Bridget Jones.

Sunday we skipped church, stopped at Starbucks for breakfast/lunch and went to Balboa Island to try and find a frozen banana stand like the one in Arrested Development. We didn't find a stand that was shaped like a banana, but we did find two places that sold frozen bananas. Afterwards we went back to Little Corona Del Mar. We spent most of the afternoon soaking up the sun. On the way back to my place we stopped at Albertsons to pick up a frozen pizza for dinner. When we got back to my place the girls packed up their things and we ate before I had to take them to the airport. Wow...that took a long time to write all that. Good job if you read it all. I am so glad the girls came to visit. I really needed to see them and take a break from school work.

Well, because that took a lot longer than I thought it would I better sign off now and go to bed because this is going to be a busy week. Tomorrow I have to study for my two tests on Tuesday, plus write numerous papers/reports and read too many books.

Goodnight from California.

P.S. I had my internship interview last week. I feel pretty good about how it went, but now I have to wait until April 11th until I find out where I will be placed.

Friday, January 25, 2008


After some reflecting I have come to realize something about myself and my life. I have been feeling....I guess you could say incomplete or not content....I don't really know how to put it into words.

My life has been broken apart. I am living an extremely compartmentalized life.

I spent the first 18 years of my life in Idaho, the next 4 in Seattle and this past one in California. From Idaho to Seattle they was no overlap besides Ashlee. My college life was completely separate from my life in Idaho. I thought that was hard at the time, but learned to deal and had Ashlee there as my constant. I made it work and I enjoyed myself in the process.

Currently, I have splintered my life even more. Now my California/DCE life is also separate from my Seattle and Idaho lives. And in that it is broken down even more between my classes and field work. One good thing is that Eric is here. He helps to bridge the gap between Idaho and California. And soon Ashlee, Aimee and Megan will visit. I think that will help a lot too.

I still can't help, but feel like I have no consistency in my life. Depending on where my internship is, my life will fracture once again. It hurts when that happens.

I do feel lucky that I have had both Ashlee and Eric to transcend those different parts of my life. I can only hope that wherever my internship is I will have a person who I can trust to see me as me, accept me as I am and share both the good and bad with.

I just wonder if I will ever feel complete again because right now I feel so broken apart. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to, but it is a dull ache that is always in my heart. Maybe I won't feel whole again until I have settled down with a family or something, but for now I continue to be a wanderer, following where God leads.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

it's new

Break has been delightful.
I have spent a lot of time with friends and family.
Baking. Movie nights. Church. Christmas.
And lots of laughter.
I wish I could capture it all, freeze it and hold on forever.
It has truly been wonderful.

I love that even though I have been apart from some of my friends for months and years we can pick up where we left off. They fill up my heart and make me so happy. I am a lucky girl.

It is 2008. A new year. Time for a fresh start?
I can only wonder at what is to come in this new year.
There is so much that is unknown to me and I have so many questions.

My hopes for the year are:
*finishing school with high grades
*gaining confidence in myself, my gifts and abilities
*grow in my faith
*grow as a DCE
*strengthen relationships with friends and family
*trust God with all he has planned for me